Sunday, December 14, 2008

Fear

So I haven't been on this in a while, a long while. But since I was last on here i have finished another semester of school, and its the first one in a while in which it was truly unaffected by life issues which is great. One of my best friends , Kels, and I are doing great again which makes me so happy because she's a very important part of my life and is also my ministry partner. I think what i learned the most from having her not in my life is how badly I want her in my life. Young Life this semester was fantastic and that will always be my favorite thing I do. I also have a girl friend now, Katie, which is different but a very good different. But those things is not what this is fully about only parts.

This morning Dan talked about relationships and the fear of man and trust in God. I think this might be the single handedly biggest thing i struggle with. One of the things he said that hit me the most was when he said we miss out on loving people because of fear. I think this affects quite a bit. I think it shows up the most with Katie. I am so terrified of her in so many ways. I fear I won't make her happy if she knows who I truly am by spending more and more time with me. I fear she is going to shatter my heart like it has been before. I fear that out walking one day she is going to find someone so much better. I fear my flaws will push her away. the list goes on and it definitely hinders me from loving her or even treating her the way she should. I feel I hold back and she knows I does. We have joked about the walls around my heart being the berlin wall, so strongly built up it separates us. She asked if she could tear it down and i said to her only the government could do that (myself). But really why have these walls, why fear her. She, in the short month we have been together has done more for me than anyother gf combined and yet I hide behind these walls. in proverbs 4 it says, " above all else, guard your heart." However, I think my heart is too guarded and holds me from her. I want those walls to come down and I want them to come down fast but they aren't, I am not ready or perhaps more appropriate, I'm too scared.

I also think it keeps me from loving my Young Life kids and friends. I am always trying to be that "cool" leader that the kids will look at and say man i want to follow him. but should they? should they really follow someone who has a huge fear of man and doesn't trust God nearly enough. I find myself when we play sports as guys do always trying not to lose. some of this is my natural competitiveness and other parts is just I HATE losing absolutely hate it. and the fact is are my guys going to look down on me because they beat me in something no, the fact is it will probably build them up, but i just can't do it for some reason. With my friends i think i do a better job, they don't scare me as much because they know deep down every little bit of me.

I just thought that this phase of wearing a mask to look cool or to seem like everything inside me is ok was done back in my freshman and sophomore year of high school when i was struggling with my sister. In reality, however, its still here and going strong. I need to be more trusting in God, need to. I know that when this happens, i will no longer strive to be the athlete, the comedian, the tough guy exterior will be gone and most of all I will findly find Drew, the real me. And when this happens I pray the people in my life that I care so much about, yl kids, kels, kj, katie, and so many more will still be there loving me. I also pray my love for them will be shining so bright on them.

So here's to finding Andrew Joseph Bartolacci and praying that it happens sooner than later for Katie's and others sake and for my own because i no longer want to miss out on loving people

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Father's day

Everything went back to normal this year.....

By that I mean Father's day was back to normal. This was the first time in 3 years that my dad was actually here for Father's day. As you would expect I think this one was a little more special and I did not take it for granted. I feel often we take our father's or gaurdians for granted or at least I do. But this year I made a point to tell me dad how much he means to me and I thank God that it wasn't too late.

We spent it very similar to how we always did before he was gone for the 3 previous years. My family went to church and then had breakfast at big boy where I always eat way to many waffles from the bar. After that my dad opened his gifts and read the cards. Then as usual my Dad, brother and I went out to el-dorado and played 18 holes of golf and then my dad grilled some burgers and hot dogs.

It was so great... For the past 3 years my dad was gone because of his job. He makes me so proud to be his son everyday. The 1st year he was helping hurricane katrina victims find some place to sleep at night. And the last two he was overseas in Iraq. My dad all his life has put others before himself, the typical christian. When others would think of themselves and never want to go overseas to endanger themselves he willingly heads over. He wanted to go, and that fact has always amazed me. He thought/thinks it is better for him to go then some young man my age or some guy/girl that just started a family. Which when i think about it he is so right. He has 4 kids that are all raised where some soldiers have babies on the way. Yes, he has missed several huge things of mine included my birth, and graduation from high school but he does this so I can live a better life then he did. He has shown me how to live out my faith with a quiet inner strength that just beams out of him. He is the perfect role model for me.

So as this Father's day draws to a close and I think about how the day went, I thank God for granting me a perfect dad for me. Always supporting me when he can't be there. Always showing me how and telling me to do my best. Showing me how to live out my faith and what faith truly means. And most importantly just loving me as well as he knows how.

I hope all of you had a great father's day with your dad. I pray we never take it for them for granted and don't just remember the things they do for us today, but yet remember everyday. Everyday is Father's day (and Mother's day)

God Bless!!!!!

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Oh to be young

I have this growth and motor development class and I absolutely love it. Part of me loving it might be because i am doing so well in it. But i feel the real reason as to why i love it so much is because it shows how we mature and learn how to do the fundamental motor skills we either can or still can't do to this day.

As i was walking back from im west with chris he asked what i learned in my class today and i think he got more than he was asking for. This is because i told him we learned the 2 stages to walking and the 4 stages to running, jumping, hopping, and 3 stages for skipping, galloping, and sliding. After him telling him that i proceeded to show him all 23 stages. In my class we were shown videos of each kid and what stage they were currently in.

It was awesome to see this kids attempted these skills. The kids in the video were so full of life and so happy to be running and attemping to skip but really not skipping at all and almost fall over hopping.

Mostly what i was thinking while i was watching this was how innocent and care-free these kids truly are. I remember way back when i was younger i would just be hanging out with my mom all day riding my exercise bike, commentating playing basketball (those 2 for those who have seen my kid videos) and basically doing whatever i wanted and not thinking about how sick the grass really is going to taste when i eat it out of the ground. It was so great being a kid, not worrying about if a bug is on you or what people think of you if you eat your own boogers or whatever it may be. You just live the day for the day and thats it.

Now that i am no longer a child or even a teen and going on 21 i feel that is gone. My choices almost get scutinized by others and i find myself not doing the same things like commentating basketball or eating grass (probably better). i will say i do still somewhat commentate video games haha. At the same time i really shouldn't care what other people think and that comes and goes.

for example lifting in im west with chris. We would have never done that as a kid, what kid lifts to feel good or look good. But as we grow older and our metabolisms slow down we lose the ability to run around and do whatever we want not getting tired so we have to do these things. I enjoy lifting very much however its a stress reliever and it makes me feel good and strong and will ultimately help me later in life.

That last sentence pretty much sums this blog up. All the things i do now: running, tennis, basketball, lifting, frisbee, ultimate will all help me later in life. At the root of all of these things are the fundamental motor skills. As we continue to be a part of these physical activities the longer into life these abilities will last. It's not as easy as being 7 and doing whatever you want and still being able to do things. This is a must to stay healthy now-a-days as i am 20. So i am thankful that God has blessed me with these fundamental motor skills and the abilities to do what i do at the level i can do them at.

If your interested to see what stage you do things at let me know i can test you!!

God Bless!

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

growing older

So this past weekend I attended 7 open houses and the weekend before I went to 2. From attending these it made me think of how far I have come in the past 2 years. I have grown as a person and I think as a follwer of Christ and today thats what I am comparing.

2006:
In 2006 i was a senior at mason high and for the first year i played only two sports instead of the usual three. It gave me a sort of a calm feeling and a lot more free time to spend with my friends and what they were doing. In the fall, I went to a work weekend and then timberwolf which developed my relationship with Kacey. In the winter, basketball of course started and that is when Kacey and I also started dating. It was a rough year of basketball and probably the first and only time I have ever been able to say that. I was buried on the bench for being "too small" although in practices no one could really guard me. It was definitely tough dealing with that. I also took on more of a role in young life moving from a wyldlife junior leader to a young life junior leader. Which in the 1st semester of my senior year i loved. I was in a great place, I had God, athletics, friends, and a girl what more could a senior guy ask for. In the spring, however, is really when i got tested. We found out in february that indeed my dad would be headed over to iraq and we were just waiting on his departure date. We eventually found out it would be may 26th (my last day of high school). Building up to this date i was having a great year of tennis.... losing only 4 matches on my way to leagues and regionals. Leagues was so special to me because it was the last tournament my dad was able to see. Before heading into my championship match (about 9 hours into the day and 2 matches later dad there the whole time) i prayed hard for God to let me play my best for my dad one more time to make him proud. I started real slow losing the first set 6-1 and being down 2-5 in the second (okay so real slow may be an understatement) then my coach told me to play like i did my freshman year which is all lobs and blocking the ball back. i came back to win the match winning 1-6, 7-5, 6-2 and then that night cried in bed because I was able to win for my dad. Last day of school came around and i got up early and my dad made me french toast (only time he ever did that) we took a picture and then he was off and i wouldnt see him again until 2007. After he left i still had my graduation speech and an open house and college awaited. In regards to young life i was pretty much sick of it and was going because i felt i had to rather than wanting too. Over the summer on workcrew that quickly changed into me loving younglife and possibly wanting to do it for the rest of my life.

2008:
I am now a college junior (very scary to almost be in the real world). My dad is now home which i love and my relationship with him is so good which is something i have never been able to say. I have dinner once a week with my mom which is also so great. I no longer am with Kacey which has had mixed feelings since the break up but ultimately I feel content right now with where I am at. With that, a lot of stress has left and i just love life currently. There is a female interest and we will see where God takes that. As for my life in general it feels so completely different. I am now a jv basketball coach at east lansing for what will be the 2nd year this coming season. I have changed my major from accounting my freshman year to kinesiology. Which ultimately suits me so much more since i love sports and i love this coaching position. I am a young life leader at east lansing and i can't tell you how much i love doing that. Those kids there have taught me so much and brought so much joy in my life. Workcrew and being a leader has really showed me that Young Life is my passion and I hope to be doing this for a long time. My relationships with friends took hits this year with a lot of them being pretty ruined i must say. Although as i look at them now a lot of them have changed for the better. I think my overall attitude is a lot more laid-back. My relationship with God has endured a lot this year with the death of my grandma who taught me mostly everything about God and sadly the breakup with Kacey affected it also. I feel like the turn around of this year was when my friend Katie sat me down in shaw hall and really made me unleash everything. She sat and listened for probably an hour before she even said a word. Which to me was remarkable most people have to interject but not her. She listened and listened and then when i was done said what she wanted. That 3,4 or 5 hours, was i think what turned the year around. Before the talk i was a lost person trying to find things to do to keep my mind off my life. Now, i am tons of free time and i love it and it has made me back into that joyous person i once was. My relationship with God is not quite what it once was yet but i feel this wilderness trip with my guys will be the boost i need.

Overall i just feel so much more grown up although an el parent told me i look like im 15 and not 20 on sunday. I feel more wise in regards to life. I am excited as to where i am going to be in 2 more years and to be able to write this again. I pray i will know God more in that 2 years and that their will be some life changing relationships/conversations/experiences that will happen.

So heres to the next 2 years!

Friday, June 6, 2008

boredom

Today as i sit at im circle for going on hour 3 of 6 i realize how truly boring this job is. Especially when you have nothing to do. I'll give you a run-down on everything i have done this week in regards to my actually job and then everything ive done not in regards to my actually job

job-
answered the phone twice so far today and probably no more than 12 times all week. Monday and wednesday and today i will turn off lights and lock the front door. Handed out 4 basketballs- two to the same person on separate days. Handed out the dance room key twice.

not job-
facebooked, watched tennis, watch real word hollywood, watched a shot at love (haha sad i know), watched american gladiators, watched the paper, read every article on espn every day pretty much, made 92-100 free throws on wednesday (real proud of that) texted, talked on the phone to my dad, mom, kelsey neil, my friend peter, tmo, chris, katie jason, read blogs, made a profile for eharmony.com and winked at someone hahaha so funny. read the newspaper, read the lansing state journal online. wrote a paper, studied for an exam, ate, wandered around.

as you can see i pretty much do nothing while i sit here for 4-6 hours and its really hard to keep myself entertained. even the lifegaurds come in and are say things like, " you're still here??" or "how bored are you?" and i just have to smile and say yup sure am and very. I think its just because i sit up here by myself and i am someone that needs to be with someone to talk to. i almost feel like i am in jail and in solitary confinement. I need to get out or i will just lose my head and start having conversations with myself or am i doing that right now on this?? thats the plus of this job during the school year working with fun people and having conversations about life. so if any of you are free mon and wed- 4-8 and tues/thursday 11-4 please come hang out with me so i won't lose my mind!!!

whelp off to find something to do since the pool is now closed and no one else will come in now.. in the words of jim helper... Lord, beer me strength

Monday, May 5, 2008

decisions

How do you know when something is right?? I have been trying to figure out that question for probably over a year and a half. What is the right decision with everything I decide to do. I feel like in some of my biggest decisions I always tend to choose the wrong thing. This effects relationships, jobs, summers, education, and my own feelings. Some of my decisions have come back to haunt me, some more than others. Maybe its the feeling of wanting what you can't have or wanting your cake and eating it too. I have chosen between colleges, sports, parties, girls, jobs, and other huge things. The last two seem to always screw me over the most. Now I don't regret any of these decisions but, I think sometimes i wish knew the plans God has for me. Like if he would just put giant billboards on jobs or decisions that are right and wrong. For example, walking down the street instead of just seeing a girl i would see the girl and a giant sign that says, nope bad choice, or like this is the girl you will marry talk to her. It would make things so much easier!! Yes i think also it would take the learning experience out of dating and stuff but it would lead to less brokenness i think. I just wish this would have been the case in my last 2 decisions:

One being this summer i have chosen to delay my entry into the military and continue schooling and not be delayed in that. This was a very tough choice but i feel like getting the education first will ultimately be a great decision. The money aspect of the military is just so helpful. Being able to graduate without a single loan is almost too good to pass up. But I have put my education and my younglife kids 1st before the money and I think that is what is right. I continue to struggle to put myself 1st in situations and constantly am thinking of others.

That last sentence ultimately brought pounds and pounds of stress on me last year as i was/put myself in an awful situation. If you know me you know what that situation was. I had to pick between two fantastic things. One which hurt me but was safe i thought and the other full of caring and compassion and what I thought would be a risk since i would have to put myself out there again. I made the safe choice which ultimately wasn't safe at all. I find myself now-a-days wanting the other. Like I said earlier I dont regret the choice I made, I kinda just wish I knew what I know now. That decision though ultimately screwed me over now that I am wanting this other thing. I've lost trust and reliability and the fact that I can't say whelp I won't hurt you since i already did. But I do treasure what I have now, but, can't something great be greater? Until then though, I will do what I can to gain the trust back and we will see what happens, it may be a stretch but I am willing to try. This thing is so pure and beautiful and compassionate and honest how can you pass it up

So heres to decision making and God teaching us lessons along the way

Sunday, April 13, 2008

refreshing

So the last two days have actually been good days......

Friday....

Friday is the day that i wake up the earliest all week because of my 8 am physics lab which i am never excited to go to because the girl that i usually work with well 1 of them (i work with 2 because for some reason the guy i am suppose to be with is never there) she is kinda scary. She is really nice before and after the lab when we walk out and discuss what our plans are for the weekend but during the lab she means business. I am more of the guy that is down to business but likes to enjoy himself and kind of talk throughout it. Well on this certain lab, another girls( i think her name was kate??) partner was gone so i got told to work with her. I learned more about kate then i did the other two girls that i work with in like 5 minutes. she like told me her life right there and it was awesome. I know she plays soccer at msu and shes from the suburbs of chicago near naperville and she is an outside mid and she got that spot because she loved running and her sister also played outside mid. Her high school is really small and she didnt really play high school soccer just club. Kate is also in my anatomy class so that probably helped since we see each other 3 days a week. But it was just so awesome that she actually talked!! usually i will ask the girl i work with how her week was and it falls upon deaf ears, not kate. We talked about the anatomy exam and that class and how she had a scrimmage this coming weekend , and what young life was and she thought that was cool. Basically i made a knew friend and i am hoping her partner isn't there again so i can work with someone who talks back....

After that i just kinda hung out til leadership and gorged myself with tacos which was a bad idea, then played basketball which was probably the down part of the day given i couldn't throw the ball in the ocean when the previous day i couldn't miss even if i wanted to.

But then i got to talk to my really good friend andre'a from minnesota on the way out to williamston to hang out with kate (katie sweeney). That was probably the highlight of the day....through various reasons we kind of broke a part this year and with a could 4 hour chat a couple weeks ago things are a little different..i am grateful to her that she truly cares so much about me to really stay put in my life and make sure i know she is always there. We just hung out and watched a couple movies and laughed a lot talking about oatmeal baths, and crunchy peanut butter and rasberries and blueberries. it was something that was so comfortable and so great and something i have missed for a really long time. so thanks kate!

Today, i just relaxed i went to lunch with my fam at pizza house. Talked military and sports with my dad, made a workout plan for my bro and punched my sister in the leg as usual. After i went shopping with my mom and sis and i got a couple bible magazines, 2 nooma videos and a couple shirts. all in all i made out pretty sweet id say. While we were in the christian store, tony called me because my battery died in my car which he took so we jumped it and made our way home. It was awesome hangin out with tony for a majority of the afternoon-evening, he is just a really great time and it was nothing but laughs and good music and great sale buying at meijer. (10 pot pies for 5 dollars how sweet) i then lifted and then hung out some more.

So here is to hoping for a good sunday!!!

Happy Birthday Grace Elizabeth Parker!!!!