Fear

So I haven't been on this in a while, a long while. But since I was last on here i have finished another semester of school, and its the first one in a while in which it was truly unaffected by life issues which is great. One of my best friends , Kels, and I are doing great again which makes me so happy because she's a very important part of my life and is also my ministry partner. I think what i learned the most from having her not in my life is how badly I want her in my life. Young Life this semester was fantastic and that will always be my favorite thing I do. I also have a girl friend now, Katie, which is different but a very good different. But those things is not what this is fully about only parts.

This morning Dan talked about relationships and the fear of man and trust in God. I think this might be the single handedly biggest thing i struggle with. One of the things he said that hit me the most was when he said we miss out on loving people because of fear. I think this affects quite a bit. I think it shows up the most with Katie. I am so terrified of her in so many ways. I fear I won't make her happy if she knows who I truly am by spending more and more time with me. I fear she is going to shatter my heart like it has been before. I fear that out walking one day she is going to find someone so much better. I fear my flaws will push her away. the list goes on and it definitely hinders me from loving her or even treating her the way she should. I feel I hold back and she knows I does. We have joked about the walls around my heart being the berlin wall, so strongly built up it separates us. She asked if she could tear it down and i said to her only the government could do that (myself). But really why have these walls, why fear her. She, in the short month we have been together has done more for me than anyother gf combined and yet I hide behind these walls. in proverbs 4 it says, " above all else, guard your heart." However, I think my heart is too guarded and holds me from her. I want those walls to come down and I want them to come down fast but they aren't, I am not ready or perhaps more appropriate, I'm too scared.

I also think it keeps me from loving my Young Life kids and friends. I am always trying to be that "cool" leader that the kids will look at and say man i want to follow him. but should they? should they really follow someone who has a huge fear of man and doesn't trust God nearly enough. I find myself when we play sports as guys do always trying not to lose. some of this is my natural competitiveness and other parts is just I HATE losing absolutely hate it. and the fact is are my guys going to look down on me because they beat me in something no, the fact is it will probably build them up, but i just can't do it for some reason. With my friends i think i do a better job, they don't scare me as much because they know deep down every little bit of me.

I just thought that this phase of wearing a mask to look cool or to seem like everything inside me is ok was done back in my freshman and sophomore year of high school when i was struggling with my sister. In reality, however, its still here and going strong. I need to be more trusting in God, need to. I know that when this happens, i will no longer strive to be the athlete, the comedian, the tough guy exterior will be gone and most of all I will findly find Drew, the real me. And when this happens I pray the people in my life that I care so much about, yl kids, kels, kj, katie, and so many more will still be there loving me. I also pray my love for them will be shining so bright on them.

So here's to finding Andrew Joseph Bartolacci and praying that it happens sooner than later for Katie's and others sake and for my own because i no longer want to miss out on loving people