So, one of my favorite verses in the Bible is 1st Corinthians 10:13. The Message Bibles version of this verse is the following...
No test or temptaion that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; He'll never let you be pushed past your limit; he'll always be there to help you come through it.
This verse has gotten me through a lot in my life. Mainly the big struggle that we had with my eldest sister (if you would like to know what this is please ask I will tell you). Anyway this is one of the firsr verses I came across as a new christian fresh out of Young Life camp in North Carolina. I found it the day after I ran away from my house to get away from my sister. Life was rough. And I thought to myself this isn't that bad I will get through it and you know what I did. I have continually used it in my testimony that I tell people because I feel its an influential verse.
However, for some reason I have been doubting this verse or just wondering what exactly my limit is. I feel as though I am at my limit. 90-95% of my relationships have taken hits with probably half of those taking giant hits and being like ruined unintentially. For example this one friend and I were so close hanging out, talking about life all the time, and now its like an after thought. I'm an outcast and maybe I turned myself into that for being so somber and broken hearted. I mean sometimes I don't even want to be around myself sometimes. This group of us use to always go play tennis and now that its getting warmer that means more tennis. Which really might be my favorite sport to play. However, I was in my room the other night doing hw and they were in the other room talking about playing and bringing up the question who the 4th would be. One said well, drew will play. And then another said eh probably not lets get this person instead. To hear that shattered me and just showed how much these relationships have really changed. I am just full of this empty feeling. Like, I know God is there but its like there is a big sheet of glass in my way. Maybe I am being taught something that is just not catching on I am not sure. But this verse is scaring me right now because I feel I am at my limits and if I'm not i don't want to know what's going to happen next. Maybe it's just time to let everything out to someone, but after being shut down by so many people I don't know where to begin. I run to get it out now, but I can only run my little legs so far before I can't run anymore. I can only lift for so long before I lose muscle function.
Basically I'm lost, or at least I think I'm lost. God, show me my way out, don't let me down. Help me start climbing out of this hole, its deep and lonely. I love you please help
Saturday, March 22, 2008
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Future
So I have recently been looking into the military. I took the ASVAB (Armed services vocational apititude battery) last week to see what jobs i would qualify for in the Army. I infact do qualify for most of them which wasn't much of a surprise really. But basically the decision is on my mind and has been on my mind basically since high school. Should I join the military or not?
I guess in past situations it never felt like it was the right time to join. But this time for some reasons feels different. Maybe its because I don't really feel a sense of belonging or a need to be around MSU or the mid michigan area. With relationships crumbling and my happiest moments of my day being in a weight room or at work or in an anatomy class that could be why i am thinking of this now. But its so much more than that.
My dad would be thinking i was doing it because of him when in reality he plays a part but is not the deciding factor at all. He plays a part in two ways... 1 is because i know the effect it can have on a family and 2 is he is my hero and i can only try to be half the man he is. I would love to serve my country and preserve what i have been given.
Here are basically my pros and cons.......
pros
I would be able to get a ton of money for college around 80,000 dollars to be exact which would leave me debt free leaving college which is amazing to say the least to think about
I would be in the best shape of my life after doing bootcamp
My leadership roles for coaching or even young life would be increased I believe
A sense of dicipline would be added to my life.
Something to give back to the country that so freely allows people to bash and protest wars that in reality they have no clue what is really going on because the media only shows the bad side (that hits a nerve a little bit if you couldnt tell).
It looks good on resumes for later in life
Travel
Cons
The one con i have is probably like 3 combined into one and thats the main reason im writing this. every now and then espn just amazes me with articles they write. This past one is about a high school quarterback/husband/dad that goes overseas to fight in the iraqi freedom war which has been going on for 5 years now thus the article. The only problem is he didn't come back. This is the article http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/eticket/story?page=conley . This article i read tonight at work almost put me in tears. I work with two girls so i couldn't do that. But the beginning of this article is what hurts me the most. The mom telling the little girl stories of the dad she will never meet. Thats what terrifies me. I want to be there for every second i can of my childrens life i want to be there to tell them bedtime stories. i cant imagine my wife having to tell my little girl stories of me because i am gone. With my dad missing a lot of my things because of the military (my birth, 17 of 20 birthdays, graduation, openhouse, tennis states, numerous others) I want to be there for those things for my kid. What if i die overseas? I say that in the way of thinking about family. i know it will hurt some friends and all but my family is truly the ones that love me. friends come and go family doesnt.
But at the same time what my dad told me in an e-mail after i yelled at him for not being there for those things. He wrote painfully im sure and with his heart being hurt, you know son thats just how much i love you. i was willing to sacriface myself for you, so you could live in a great country and live a great life. when i took this job i knew that was part of it. i am sorry for how i have hurt you but its just something i chose."
some how those words helped and i understand. If you want to you can relate it to Jesus forgiving our sins so we can live a better life you know. but the fact is he didn't die overseas and he is still with me little catherine wasn't so lucky in that article. What if my lil drew or catherine wasn't so lucky either. is that a risk i am willing to take?
So thats the decision that has to be made. is now the right time and i guess when eventually it happens or doesn't happen i will know now is the time.
Please all of you read that article its fantastic, my prayers go out to you lil catherine and nicole keep telling her about him hes a hero
I guess in past situations it never felt like it was the right time to join. But this time for some reasons feels different. Maybe its because I don't really feel a sense of belonging or a need to be around MSU or the mid michigan area. With relationships crumbling and my happiest moments of my day being in a weight room or at work or in an anatomy class that could be why i am thinking of this now. But its so much more than that.
My dad would be thinking i was doing it because of him when in reality he plays a part but is not the deciding factor at all. He plays a part in two ways... 1 is because i know the effect it can have on a family and 2 is he is my hero and i can only try to be half the man he is. I would love to serve my country and preserve what i have been given.
Here are basically my pros and cons.......
pros
I would be able to get a ton of money for college around 80,000 dollars to be exact which would leave me debt free leaving college which is amazing to say the least to think about
I would be in the best shape of my life after doing bootcamp
My leadership roles for coaching or even young life would be increased I believe
A sense of dicipline would be added to my life.
Something to give back to the country that so freely allows people to bash and protest wars that in reality they have no clue what is really going on because the media only shows the bad side (that hits a nerve a little bit if you couldnt tell).
It looks good on resumes for later in life
Travel
Cons
The one con i have is probably like 3 combined into one and thats the main reason im writing this. every now and then espn just amazes me with articles they write. This past one is about a high school quarterback/husband/dad that goes overseas to fight in the iraqi freedom war which has been going on for 5 years now thus the article. The only problem is he didn't come back. This is the article http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/eticket/story?page=conley . This article i read tonight at work almost put me in tears. I work with two girls so i couldn't do that. But the beginning of this article is what hurts me the most. The mom telling the little girl stories of the dad she will never meet. Thats what terrifies me. I want to be there for every second i can of my childrens life i want to be there to tell them bedtime stories. i cant imagine my wife having to tell my little girl stories of me because i am gone. With my dad missing a lot of my things because of the military (my birth, 17 of 20 birthdays, graduation, openhouse, tennis states, numerous others) I want to be there for those things for my kid. What if i die overseas? I say that in the way of thinking about family. i know it will hurt some friends and all but my family is truly the ones that love me. friends come and go family doesnt.
But at the same time what my dad told me in an e-mail after i yelled at him for not being there for those things. He wrote painfully im sure and with his heart being hurt, you know son thats just how much i love you. i was willing to sacriface myself for you, so you could live in a great country and live a great life. when i took this job i knew that was part of it. i am sorry for how i have hurt you but its just something i chose."
some how those words helped and i understand. If you want to you can relate it to Jesus forgiving our sins so we can live a better life you know. but the fact is he didn't die overseas and he is still with me little catherine wasn't so lucky in that article. What if my lil drew or catherine wasn't so lucky either. is that a risk i am willing to take?
So thats the decision that has to be made. is now the right time and i guess when eventually it happens or doesn't happen i will know now is the time.
Please all of you read that article its fantastic, my prayers go out to you lil catherine and nicole keep telling her about him hes a hero
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
tired of things
It's getting real old....real fast. Everything is just in a constant circle just a never ending path of crap. People in my life right now are frustrating. Thats it on that though.
The last two night I have witnessed something that I personally miss so much. I have gone to a guys regional semi basketball game and a girls quarterfinal game. First off, the thing that amazes me and dissapoints me about these games is El's student section. They show up in great numbers but are just so quiet. Their teams are amazing and all of their sports have had an incredible showing this year with football and soccer making to the state semi's and boys tennis winning a state title. You would think the students would have more spirit and enthusiasum when cheering on their beloved trojans but yet they get out done by schools that travel 2-3 hours away and have less kids there then them. That just astounds me especially in games as big as these.
anyways the passion of the players in these games and their just unrelenting effort to get a win is just something you don't see everyday. The first game i went to was the guys game. they were playing kalamazoo central in which every player was more athletic then el's players and had a guy dunk on them 5 times. They hung with them until the second half started quickly going down 12 by the end of the 3rd and then down 16 with 5 minutes to play and some how came back and won this game. I can remember playing and doing the same thing with my team but to do it in a regional game in which they werent suppose to make it to is just something i would pay more than the 5 dollar ticket every time. Tonight's game was the girls game and the east lansing girls are ranked #1 in class a for michigan and #8 for the midwest which is pretty sweet being from mid-michigan. They were definitely the favorites unlike the guys team and they had a nailbiter on their hands as well. they were up 10 early in the 3rd before grand haven came fighting back and eventually took a 3 point lead with a minute and half to go. The el girls could have felt sorry for themselves and gave up, but just like the guys they fought. They got a quick two and then fouled and then the gh girl missed the front end of a one and one and el got the rebound and got fouled on it. this next thing is something that is always either under appreciated or made to be the difference everytime. Sophomore forward bell had a 1 and 1 down 1 with 30 some seconds to go. she walks up and confidently knocks down both. Thats the thing, its just another free throw. players don't realize that. Free throws is what i prided myself on, well, those and threes. but even in a dramatic situation as that you just walk up confident and knock them down just like in practice and thats what she did. El ended up playing great defense and got the win. The passion of all 4 teams in these games was just evident and it was a complete pleasure to watch and reminded me the glory of high school sports and also the said reality that only 1 team wins their last game ever. There is always only one winner and the rest end their careers on a lost. But in the end thats why we play the game. The love of the sport. I cannot wait to coach one of these games myself. I also cannot wait to see the trojan boys take on battle creek central tomorrow night. I'm hoping its not as intense as these two because i'm not sure i can take much more excitement
The last two night I have witnessed something that I personally miss so much. I have gone to a guys regional semi basketball game and a girls quarterfinal game. First off, the thing that amazes me and dissapoints me about these games is El's student section. They show up in great numbers but are just so quiet. Their teams are amazing and all of their sports have had an incredible showing this year with football and soccer making to the state semi's and boys tennis winning a state title. You would think the students would have more spirit and enthusiasum when cheering on their beloved trojans but yet they get out done by schools that travel 2-3 hours away and have less kids there then them. That just astounds me especially in games as big as these.
anyways the passion of the players in these games and their just unrelenting effort to get a win is just something you don't see everyday. The first game i went to was the guys game. they were playing kalamazoo central in which every player was more athletic then el's players and had a guy dunk on them 5 times. They hung with them until the second half started quickly going down 12 by the end of the 3rd and then down 16 with 5 minutes to play and some how came back and won this game. I can remember playing and doing the same thing with my team but to do it in a regional game in which they werent suppose to make it to is just something i would pay more than the 5 dollar ticket every time. Tonight's game was the girls game and the east lansing girls are ranked #1 in class a for michigan and #8 for the midwest which is pretty sweet being from mid-michigan. They were definitely the favorites unlike the guys team and they had a nailbiter on their hands as well. they were up 10 early in the 3rd before grand haven came fighting back and eventually took a 3 point lead with a minute and half to go. The el girls could have felt sorry for themselves and gave up, but just like the guys they fought. They got a quick two and then fouled and then the gh girl missed the front end of a one and one and el got the rebound and got fouled on it. this next thing is something that is always either under appreciated or made to be the difference everytime. Sophomore forward bell had a 1 and 1 down 1 with 30 some seconds to go. she walks up and confidently knocks down both. Thats the thing, its just another free throw. players don't realize that. Free throws is what i prided myself on, well, those and threes. but even in a dramatic situation as that you just walk up confident and knock them down just like in practice and thats what she did. El ended up playing great defense and got the win. The passion of all 4 teams in these games was just evident and it was a complete pleasure to watch and reminded me the glory of high school sports and also the said reality that only 1 team wins their last game ever. There is always only one winner and the rest end their careers on a lost. But in the end thats why we play the game. The love of the sport. I cannot wait to coach one of these games myself. I also cannot wait to see the trojan boys take on battle creek central tomorrow night. I'm hoping its not as intense as these two because i'm not sure i can take much more excitement
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