First one

So I thought maybe if I wrote some stuff down maybe it would help get this horrible feeling out of my heart and head that I have had for so long.

Well I don't know I just feel real empty inside the only things that I can say I actually truly like right now are my relationship with my parents, young life, and weight lifting. With my parents I eat dinner every Wednesday with my Mom and sometimes my dad will also tag along which I love and thats a good time something i look forward to every week. As for young life it truly is my passion, I love everyone of those kids. For example, this past weekend was so great. on saturday i went to a couple of my guys league swim meet and one of them afterwards sent me this text thanking me over and over and over for coming and taking time to do that for him which is something i did because i wanted to not just because of needing to because i do young life. It's really cool to see how relationships can develop so quickly and be so strong. Sunday, another kid at campaigners was just hangin all over me and this is a kid that has asked me to be his mentor so thats just so cool. the whole time he was just around me and thats sweet to have, ( someone who actually wants to be around you). Monday we had club and i was able to see a couple of guys i havent seen in a while and they were just as happy to see me as i was to see them, or at least it looked that way. so young life is definitely a high in my life. As for weight lifting its something that keeps my mind off of the bad things in my life right now. I also got up 200 today on bench which i have never done before because my body was just too small, so this has another plus which means im gaining weight hopefully!!! weighed in at a tiny 122 yesterday though so thats no good.

as for the bad things, they can basically be based around every other relationship possible in my life. I have been blowing every single one and thats causing other people to automatically shut down i think around me. be it roommates, teammates, classmates or just friends. A lot of my closest friendships are basically trash now honestly which hurts. I see them and it pains me because I feel like i have been completely replaced and maybe thats my own fault. i just don't really see much of a need for me in peoples lives. i just feel that i bring them down right now and that sucks, to be the one sucking life out of people. I feel like i have to act happy like i did back in my freshman year of high school. something is missing right now, half of me and the person i am is gone. Even with basketball which i played on saturday, i played really well scored basically when i wanted how i wanted and played unusually good defense for myself (i dont try as hard defensively which i should start doing) and that just didnt make me happy, i was getting mad at teammates shooting horrible shots and not working it around to get an open look and just something that stupid. But yeah thats life right now i guess for me.